


Triple Date

by upquark



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Group dating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 06:43:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6413149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/upquark/pseuds/upquark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony has a cunning plan to get a date with Steve.  Darcy's in it for the food.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Triple Date

 

“C’mon, Cap, you gotta help me out.”  Tony pushed up his goggles and gave his best cow eyes impression. 

 

“Tony, no.  Just, no.  I am not doing that.” 

 

“But if you’re free wheeling then Bruce won’t feel like it’s a date!  I was gonna get Rhodey to play my honey but he’s apparently ‘working, Tony’.” 

 

“Is that even a thing, a triple date?” Steve ran a hand through his bangs.  “I don’t think that’s something people do.” 

 

Tony laughed and shrugged.  “We’re not normal? Anyway group dating, it’s totally the thing to do...in high school.” 

 

Steve sighed.  “So, Clint and Natasha are going to,” he paused, “act like they normally do.  Are they dating?” 

 

“I don’t think so, but Jarvis won’t tell me one way or the other.” 

 

“Right.  So I’m just supposed to pretend you and I are on a date.” 

 

“Yes. So that Bruce and Darcy will be the last pair.”  

 

“This all seems really juvenile.” 

 

“Oh, it is.” 

 

“Why didn’t you ask someone else?” 

 

“It’s tonight, Steve, do you want me to call an escort? You said you weren’t busy.”  Which, Tony knew, didn’t really answer the question but hopefully Steve wouldn’t notice. 

 

“Does Bruce even like Darcy? Isn’t she young for him and, I don’t know, exuberant?”

 

“Probably. The point is that he needs to date. I don’t care if he ends up with her or not.  She knows who he is, she’s willing to go for the free meal.  I asked.” 

 

“The meal that you’re going to pay for?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“So, you’re pimping her out.” 

 

“Don’t hate the ho’s, Steve.” 

 

“If I say yes, I’d be one of those ho’s” he said ruefully. 

 

Tony grinned.  “No way, Cap, you’d be with me and I don’t date ho’s. Uh, anymore.” 

 

“Won’t he notice we’re not dating tomorrow?”

 

“Oh, he’ll figure it out way before that.  He’s a genius.” 

 

“This is going to go poorly.” 

“So you’ll do it?” 

 

“I guess. I think he’s going to be angry though.” 

 

“Let’s hope not too angry.” 

 

Steve nodded. 

 

* * *

 

 

Darcy ran a hand through her hair and adjusted her glasses.  “I’m not sure I thought this through.” 

 

Jane laughed. “Yeah, pretty sure you didn’t.” 

 

“I agreed to go on a date with The Hulk. Not even a blind date, Janeybear, a surprise! date.” 

 

Jane shook her head.  “He won’t be Hulk during the date.”

 

“Says you.  He might take one look at the situation and flip out.” 

 

“Who would flip out at the idea of a date with you?” 

 

Darcy rolled her eyes. “Awesome, thanks for the ego boost.  But, let's say he doesn’t like surprises and I end up Darcy pancake.  It’ll be too late for him to be flattered.” 

 

“Won’t Tony and Steve be there? Couldn’t they deal with it?” 

 

“I don’t know? How should I know? I’ve never met either of Bruce’s personalities, Jane.” 

 

“He’s really a great guy, Darce.  I mean it, he’s brilliant.” 

 

“Yay so I can spend a date like I spend my days, not knowing what the hell anyone’s talking about.” 

 

“Why did you agree to go then?” 

 

“Tony fucking Stark asked to buy me dinner.  I thought I was going to get supremely lucky.” 

 

Jane scrunched her nose. “Tony? Really Darcy? Gross.” 

 

“Gross? Are you listening to yourself?  He is like the only single billionaire without age spots on earth.  Yes Tony Stark, any day of the week.” 

 

“I know he’s not as bad as the tabloids make out, but you’re not shallow enough for that.” 

 

Darcy shrugged.  “Probably not in practice, but my pockets are screaming hell yes.” 

 

“Thor says he’s just as generous to friends so please don’t sleep with him for money.” 

 

“Jane, Jane, Jane, who said I was going to give it up?” 

 

“Do you really find him attractive?” 

 

“Ok, yes, and I know you do too.  I saw you oogling at that fancy shindig last month.” 

 

“I was oogling Steve, they were standing together.” 

 

“Sure.” 

 

Jane stuck out her tongue.  “Bruce is really very attractive as well.” 

 

“Really?  I mean I’ve seen pictures of Hulk but not him when he’s all normal.” 

 

“Oh, yeah he is.  He’s working in the lab downstairs today.  Let’s go peek!” 

 

“This is why I love you Jane, you’re like 13 years old on the inside.” 

 

Darcy rolled her eyes at Jane who had ducked down behind a work station and was frantically waving her forward.  She gamely crouched and crab walked her way into the back of the lab. 

 

“Ok,” Jane whispered, “he’s the one with the curly hair.”  She peered around the edge of the desk, “Peek quickly and...go!” 

 

Darcy raised her head over the top of the desk and spotted him. She ducked back down and looked at Jane.  “Ok.” 

 

“Ok?” 

 

“Meaning, oh yes.” 

 

Jane smirked.  “Told you.” 

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Tony, I really don’t want to go out.” 

 

“Bruce, you have to go.  I already made reservations.” 

 

“What does that mean?  You’ll have one less, so what?” 

 

Tony turned around and frantically tried to think of something to say.  “If you don’t go, I’ll…” 

 

Bruce grinned, “You’ll…?” 

 

“I’ll be very sad all over you.  Please?” 

 

Bruce huffed, and turned back to his calculations.  “I’m in the middle of something here, Tony.” 

 

“But Nat and Clint have been looking forward to this.” 

 

“Seriously?” 

 

“Maybe?” 

 

“You’ll be enough company for them, third wheel.” Bruce frowned, “Wait.  Was I supposed to be your date? Was this a date, Tony?” His voice got very high at the end of his sentence.  

 

Tony guffawed. “If only, Lab Bunny, but I know you don’t go both ways.” 

 

“Oh, good.  I mean, not that I--” 

 

Tony couldn’t stop laughing. 

 

“Shut up.” Bruce grumbled. 

 

Tony held up one hand and leaned against the lab table.  “The look on your face.  Oh my god.  Anyway,” he gasped, “Tonight’s my first date with Steve. Only, he sort of doesn’t know it.  I want everyone there so he doesn’t feel awkward.” 

 

“What? Tony that’s so childish. He’s going to figure it out and be angry with you.” 

 

“No, no, he knows we’re going on a date.  He just doesn’t know it’s a date date.  It’s a trial thing, sorta.  Want to see if it would ever be ok to ask him on a real date. Please Bruce, you have to come.” 

 

“I don’t see how I’ll make it more comfortable as a fifth wheel.” 

 

Tony looked away and picked a pipette up off the table. 

 

“Tony? What have you done? Tony tell me you haven’t done something horrible to me.” 

 

“I haven’t!” 

 

“What have you done?” 

 

“I just.  There’s a girl coming with us and I thought you two could talk?” 

 

“A girl.”

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Who just happens to be coming on you and Clint and Nat and Steve’s weird big date adventure?” 

 

“Uh, yes.” 

 

“That you invited me to go on, under false pretences of missing your lab buddy.” 

 

“It’s bunny, and that’s not false.” 

 

“Tony.” 

 

“Bruce.” 

 

“Tony I can’t date. The other guy…” 

 

“She knows all about that.” 

 

“What?” 

 

“She knows who you are and she’s fine with it.” 

 

“Then she’s a moron.” 

 

“No she’s not.  She’s Foster’s lab assistant, she can’t be a moron.” 

 

“Foster’s...Tony, I’ve seen her she’s like 18!” 

 

“You’re exaggerating. She’s uh, I’m sure she said she was 20 something.” 

 

Bruce sighed.  “She’s also gorgeous, and cannot be interested in a giant green monster.” 

 

“Everyone’s got a kink!” 

 

“No.” 

 

“Bruce, she’s got a new dress and new shoes and if you don’t come she’s going to be the fifth wheel while Clint and Natasha psychically suck face and I do my best to get Steve to at least hold hands with me.  I’m desperate.  You have to do this for me.” 

 

“I want something really pretty out of this.” 

 

“Anything for you, baby, you know that.  Pick you up at 7?” 

 

“Alright.” 

 

* * *

 

 

Clint and Natasha were staring creepily at each other and eating all the hors d'oeuvres.  Steve was leaning away from Tony in his chair, which was already as far away from Tony’s as it could be without being at another place setting entirely.  Bruce was glaring at Tony, and Darcy was so late.  Tony glanced at his phone to check the time and send another frantic text. 

 

Darcy looked at her phone and wanted to cry in frustration.  She was still at least ten minutes away and Tony had been sending sad faces and question marks every two seconds for the last ten minutes.  She sent back a quick message.  She got a sadface in return and nearly screeched at her phone.  She really should have let Tony send a car to pick her up like he’d offered.

 

Tony glanced over at Steve. He was looking very nice and only mildly out of date in his blue shirt and grey slacks.  The date should have all been going great.  Only the great oaf was practically shaking in his boots and giving Tony side eyes that, really, you should only be giving to suspected lechers.   “Steve,” Tony whispered, “Could I talk to you outside for a minute?” 

 

Steve’s forehead scrunched.  “Sure, Tony,” he said jovially, then winced. 

 

Tony sighed and got up to wander out of the restaurant. Steve followed him. 

 

When they were on the sidewalk Tony rounded on him. “What the hell are you doing? We’re supposed to be on a ‘date’ and you’re acting like you think I might molest you in the middle of the restaurant. Wanna tell me why?” 

 

“Look,” Steve put a hand on his hip, “I haven’t been on a lot of dates, and none with men.  If I’m embarrassing you, sorry. I trying not to do anything to make myself look stupid.” 

 

“Meanwhile Bruce is going to murder me without even having to Hulk.  So, let me tell you what to expect tonight.  Will that help?” 

 

Steve nodded warily.  

 

“Ok, Cap.  I’m not gonna grope you, so you can stop looking at me like that.  I may try a quick peck on the cheek.  I might try to feed you my food.  I will try to hold your hand and sit close to you. I’ll whisper to you. I’ll talk to you. I will not be trying to embarrass you if that’s what you’re afraid of. I’m not making fun of you, and I won’t make fun of you, ever, for anything that happens tonight.  I promise.” 

 

“Ok.” 

 

“Ok.  Sorry for not, you know, making things clear.” 

 

“Can I do those things too?” 

 

Tony blinked.  “What?” maybe he’d just had a small aneurysm and misheard that, “You can do whatever you want.” 

 

Steve frowned. 

 

“Really, Steve.” Tony reached out and put a hand on his elbow.  “Whatever you feel like doing.” 

 

Darcy’s cab finally pulled up then, and Tony let go of Steve and rushed forward.  “You’re late!” he accused, pointing at her ferociously. 

 

“No shit,” she answered as Tony paid the driver. “Tony, no, I was going to--” but he had already grabbed her arm and was pulling her towards the restaurant.  “Stop it!” she barked, and stamped her foot.  “I need to check my makeup.” 

 

Tony sighed and they came to a stop beside Steve.  “Steve this is Darcy, the late late late assistant to Thor’s Doctor Foster.” 

 

“That sounds like you’re planning to kill me,” Darcy mumbled, pulling a compact out and checking her lipstick.

 

“I might,” Tony hissed.  “Bruce has been glaring at me for half an hour.  I don’t like making Bruce unhappy, Darcy.” 

 

“I am so fucking sorry that my fucking cab took longer than I fucking thought. Jesus Christ, Stark.” Darcy looked over at Steve.  “Hi. Sorry, potty mouth runs in my family.” 

 

Steve smiled.  “It runs in Tony’s too.  Are you related?” 

 

Tony smacked Steve on the arm and Darcy laughed.  

 

“I’m ready for my part of the fortune, Bro,” she said. 

 

“Oh, yeah, that’s disturbing,” Tony said.  “Let’s go before you’re a full hour late for your rage challenged date, Ok?” 

 

“All set!” 

 

“You look really nice,” Steve told her. 

 

“You’re supposed to be  _ my _ date,” Tony grumbled at him. 

 

Steve smiled. "You look really nice too." 

  
  


* * *

 

 

Nat and Clint were still staring at each other.  Did that never get old?  Tony half thought they only pulled that shit to creep people out.  Every so often Clint would look over at Tony and wink.  Tony knew he was doing that just to give him the creeps but it didn’t stop them from happening.  He scowled.   At least Steve had moved his chair back to its normal place when they got back to the table.  He didn’t look comfortable, per se, but he was leaning a bit more toward Tony than away from him now and that would have to count as a win.  

 

Tony put up a hand to call the waiter and ordered another round of hors d'oeuvres.  He glanced at the other end of the table to see Bruce still glaring at him.  Darcy seemed to be talking a steady stream and had been since she sat down.  That didn’t look good.  

 

“I’m sorry I was late.  I had this thing where I thought it would be better if Stark didn’t pay for my ride to the date that he was paying for me to go on, which was stupid in the long run because I’m sure his car would have been faster and I wouldn’t have kept you guys waiting.  Obviously his car probably would have smelled better than that rank cab as well.  Plus when I got here he paid before I could pay for it so it was all an exercise in futility, right? Do they always just stare at each other like that?  Barton! You’re creeping the whole table out with that face, couldn’t you make another one?  Sorry,” she rested a hand on Bruce’s arm, “I really didn’t mean to be late, I’ve been looking forward to this.” She paused a second, patting his arm a lightly, “Are you planning to look at me and talk to me at all or are you just going to stare longingly at Tony all night? I mean, I get it, I thought I was going on a date with Tony at first too.  It was exciting, but they told me you liked girls?” 

 

Bruce turned to look at her.  “Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt.  I don’t want to date Tony, I’m glaring so that he gets the message that I have him figured out.” 

 

Darcy raised an eyebrow at him.  “Do you?’ 

 

“I think he tricked both of us into this date, right?” 

 

“Yeah, well, he asked me if I wanted a free dinner at a swank place. I wasn’t fussed about who with, really.  I don’t get out much now that we’ve moved to New York and I don’t know anybody but the wonder twins over there and Thor and Jane and Coulson. Well I guess I know Tony too, but does that really count?” she tilted her head.  “Wait, did you not want to go out with me?” 

 

Bruce frowned.  

 

Darcy re-ran what she’d said.  “Oh, no I mean I’m thrilled it’s you for the date and not someone else.  I like you.” 

 

He huffed.  “Really?” 

 

“Well, I did until you opened your mouth. Jane talks about you sometimes, obviously you’re not this rude to her.  You can go back to staring at Tony now.” She leaned over towards Clint and Natasha.  “Could you guys come up for air and entertain me?  This date bombed in record time.” 

 

Natasha looked over at her and smiled slowly.  “Does the record time start from when the date was supposed to start, or from when you actually sat down?” 

 

“It’s not a party till I show up.” 

 

Clint turned towards her and cuffed her on the shoulder.  “Chin up, Specs, it could have gone worse by now.” 

 

“How so?” 

 

“We could be cleaning up Tony bits.” 

 

Darcy grimaced.  “It’s not cool to joke about people’s issues, Dickhead.” 

 

“Not really a joke,” Natasha said. 

 

Darcy looked over at Bruce, who appeared to be following her advice about glaring at Tony.  “I thought Hulk kinda liked Tony?  Aren’t they always teaming up and stuff? That’s what TV says anyway.” 

 

Bruce sighed.  “No, that’s true.  He probably would just scream at Tony and leave.  It’s the leaving part that would probably kill people.” 

 

“Ah. Maybe he should take ballet lessons.  You could teach him, Tasha.” Darcy grinned. 

 

Natasha stared at her. 

 

“You know, if it’s a bull-in-a-china shop kind of problem?  Maybe he just needs some body awareness.  There’s this weird yoga studio near my apartment that does a class called ‘know your space’ or something.  It’s about that kinda thing.” 

 

Clint snickered into his hand.  

 

“What?” Darcy asked, “it’s just a suggestion. Though I saw a video online once of an actual bull in an actual china shop and he didn’t knock anything over.  It was cool.” 

 

Bruce laughed.  “Thanks. I’ll think about the lessons.” 

 

She had the distinct feeling she was being mocked. 

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Is Bruce going to do that all night?” Steve whispered to Tony.  

 

“Looks like it.” 

 

“Why’s he so upset? I thought you warned him.”  

 

Tony glanced at Steve.  “Uh, I think he figured out our ruse pretty fast.  He’s probably mad at me on both of your behalfs.” 

 

Steve frowned.  “Ah.  Sorry.” 

 

“No, don’t be.  It’s fine.  Bruce will never stay mad at me for long. I hold the keys to his new kingdom.” 

 

“Right.” 

 

“Are you upset about tonight?” 

 

Steve looked over at him.  “What? No.  I’m just... I’m always this awkward on dates.  Sorry I wasn’t very convincing.” 

 

Tony smiled and rested a hand over Steve’s where it sat on the table.  “It’s fine. I told you he’d figure it out before tomorrow anyway.” 

 

Steve looked at their hands for a moment before turning his over and entwining their fingers. “We could try to make him question his judgement?” he smirked. 

 

Tony smiled, “We could.” 

  
  


* * *

 

 

Bruce eyed Darcy, she was really very beautiful.  He couldn’t imagine why she’d want to go on any sort of date with a 40 year old part time monster.  Of course it could be that she’d wanted a swanky dinner, but that seemed unlikely.  Were there people that enjoyed that kind of thing enough for this?  She’d said something about thinking she was meant to be with Tony tonight, and it surprised Bruce how much that irritated him.  

 

“Hey,” he said, and she broke off her conversation with Clint to look at him.  “Not that this place isn’t great, but would you want to maybe go somewhere else?” 

 

Darcy raised her eyebrow at him.  “Are you asking me if I wanna get out of here?” 

 

“Uh, yes?” 

 

“Isn’t it kinda impossibly early and wildly optimistic to assume we’re going to have sex?” 

 

Clint coughed into his wine and Natasha thumped him meanly on the back. 

 

Bruce stared at her.  “What?” 

 

“Isn’t that generally what that means?”  She glanced at Clint for agreement and he nodded.  Natasha hit him again. 

 

“That is not what I meant.” Bruce said.

 

“So you don’t want to have sex with me?” 

 

“Darcy!” Steve said.  

 

“Quiet, Cap, this is important.” 

 

Bruce frowned.  “I’m not answering that.  There’s no good answer for that.” 

 

Darcy laughed.  “True.” 

 

“I just meant maybe we could go to a different restaurant and pay for our own date instead of having Tony…”

 

Tony looked up.  “You’re not leaving.” 

 

Bruce glared at him.  

 

“You can’t leave, Bruce.  I need you here.” 

 

“It’s irritating when you pay for everything like we’re your children.” 

 

“I don’t find that irritating.” Clint said and preemptively ducked.  

 

Natasha smiled at him.  “No, me either.” 

 

Tony rolled his eyes.  “The mind twins like free shit.  We know.” 

 

“I just don’t enjoy this kind of…place.” 

 

Tony stood up.  “So let’s go.  We can go back to the tower and order takeout.” 

 

“Oh god,” Steve groaned, “can we really?  That would be so much better.” 

 

Tony grinned down at him.  “That settles it then.” 

 

Bruce sighed. 

 

Darcy put a hand on his thigh and leaned in.  “Not precisely what you had in mind, Doctor?” 

 

“Oh god, please just call me Bruce.  I don’t need to feel any older.” 

 

She smiled, leaning back.  “Don’t worry, Bruce.  I’m sure there are plenty of empty rooms at the tower.” 

 

No, Bruce thought, I am way too old to blush.   “That’s really not what I meant, I swear.” 

 

Darcy laughed.  

 

* * *

 

 

They decided to walk back to the tower, it wasn’t far.  Bruce dawdled towards the back and Darcy fell into step beside him.  

 

“So on a scale of wow to what the fuck, how do you think this date is going? she asked. 

 

Bruce glanced at her.  “I think we’re well on our way to ‘what the fuck’.”  

 

Darcy hmm’d.  “Yeah, I’d have to agree.  What if I were to like, do this,” she grabbed his arm ducked them into an alley and started off at a quick walk.  Clint and Natasha were bound to have noticed their defection, but she was willing to bet money Tony and Steve had missed it. 

 

Bruce followed, desperately trying not to wonder if things could get weirder, that was bound to make it happen.   They came out on the next street and Darcy pulled him left then across the street and down another side street and right. She stopped in front of a cafe and put up one hand in a ‘tada!’ gesture.  

 

“If you were to do that,” Bruce said, “I’d upgrade our date to, ‘this might suck’.” 

 

Darcy grinned.   “Good, a lot of things  _ might _ suck.  Let’s go in here and get a shitty sandwich and find out how little we have in common.”  

 

Bruce took her hand.  “Deal.” 


End file.
